Playing Mom
I was so inspired by the Motherly initiative #yearofthemother, that the next five blogs will be inspired by the declarations listed in this campaign.
This blog was inspired by “I declare 2020 the #yearofthemother because it’s time we address the cultural expectations that contribute to maternal stress.” Although this one appears last on Motherly’s list it was first on mine. To me it actually reads, “we see the work mothers are doing and we don’t understand why society at-large is putting additional pressure on them.”
A mom isn’t just a person or something we all have - it’s something we all know intimately. So we must discernibly be able to categorize mothers as good or bad based on things like outward niceness, screen time allowances, how our children - eat, dress, or behave in public, and even how they learn. That’s not true but some people need their evaluations to be valid. I wish people realized that we have enough to worry about without outside judgement. The definition of a mother leads many of us to believe we need to change. Words used in definitions of mother include; tenderness, affection, care, and protection. We think of moms and so many things come to mind but the first one is usually “nice”. When someone tells you they’re expecting don’t you think ,“oh they’re so nice, they’re going to be such a good mom”. And don’t you think the opposite of someone you know who maybe isn’t so nice? There is no asterisk next to the definition of mother stating; “*may include being absolutely human in the form of fatigue, depression, anger, chronic illness, mental illness, being a generally grumpy human, etc.”. The pressure to be the dictionary definition of a mother and to play into the imaginary perfection of motherhood, stifles personalities on a daily basis. We are already judging ourselves and we’re certainly going to be judged by the little people who live with us! In talks with other women, I’ve learned that some of the most common standards we judge ourselves against are;
The standards we set for ourselves based on our experiences with our own mothers and fathers.
The standards of mothering we've seen in our own families and communities.
The standards set for mothers by society via our peers and the culture, which is primarily informed by book and movie tropes.
Including all of my other imperfections, there are so many ways to fail as a mother including but not limited to; being overly emotional or unemotional, being too trusting or never trusting enough, being a warden or overly permissive, and lastly coddling or never showing how much you care. I titled this post “Playing Mom” because so often being “Mom” feels like something I’m putting on rather than it just being part of me. I’m so busy trying so hard to be some of one thing or less of another, in order to be the best mother. However I’m learning it doesn’t work like that, it’s more like a part of me I shape from all the other parts of myself.
The measuring stick you use to evaluate yourself as a mother should not be based on others and it certainly should not be from social media. The first words to follow #postpartum on Instagram are body and snapback. We are obsessed with being pregnant, right up until the minute we aren’t and then we pretend as if our bodies do not carry the memories of those pregnancies forever. Sometimes those memories show up in the foods our bodies tolerate or in the places we carry weight. But we are forever changed on the inside so why should our outside so quickly reflect the person we used to be. There is nothing wrong with wanting your body back. I already miss my much stronger body. But I refuse to allow the pressure to of the infamous “snapback” to force me into believing something is wrong with the body that gave me two beautiful boys.
Not to mention the popularity of #relationshipgoals or #familygoals and the pressure to brag about your cute family. But sometimes your cute family isn’t always so cute or you’re no longer sure what your relationship goals should look like. Being “woke” won’t make you immune to the challenges a relationship faces when you add new babies to the equation. Big questions pop up regularly. Who are we as parents and partners? Are we meeting one another’s expectations? Are we good parents, together? Where we may have passionately argued before, we now wonder if we should lower our voice in front of the children or be less of our true selves, for their benefit. If we’re a little less ourselves and a little more generically “Mom”, that’s good, right?. Because that’s what good parents do? And for some women that’s where they begin to lose themselves, in “toning it down”. We don’t want to be too emotional and set a bad example for the kids. We don’t want to be too sexy even if our children are a direct product of sex. Our homes are filled with real-life problems and being the mom can be extremely difficult. Self-sacrificing can quickly become self-deprecating. The idea that we somehow could not be “enough” for our children when we are all they’ve ever known. I’m not sure when the idea of “not enough” crept into our collective subconscious but I wish it would go away. The only “not enough” we are being is not enough of ourselves. I’m not saying be your worst self in front of your children. Please, for the love of them, don’t do that. I’m just saying be your most genuine self. You don’t have to tone yourself down. You don’t have to change the pitch of your voice. Those kids have been hearing your voice, tone-deaf or not, since before they were born! Keep trying to raise good human beings. Show them you have a range of emotions. Show them how to really fully live. Show them how to appropriately handle anger. You can be angry but still loving. You’re allowed to feel overwhelmed and live in gratitude. If duality exists anywhere, it is in motherhood. Just know that if you’re struggling with pressure to be some version of a “perfect mom”, she doesn’t exist. You don’t have to be like your mom or anyone else’s mom. You have everything you need to be the mother you’re meant to be and you’re all your babies need.