(Breast)Feeding the Boys
Before I had Lucas, I knew very little about breastfeeding outside of what I’d learned throughout my pregnancy. My family was supportive enough of breastfeeding. They thought my breastfeeding goal sounded like a lot, especially because I had a full-time job. At about 4 months, they asked questions like “oh is he STILL nursing?”. My husband was always supportive, in that “you do this as long as you want and it’s working for you/the baby” way. Familial discomfort with breastfeeding is something I see my clients deal with regularly and I know exactly how it happens. Well-meaning jokes or comments often have a lasting effect. I was relieved to be at the night-weaning stage during our first family visit. Although it had happened naturally and we’d been giving him bottles for months at that point, I reflected on those comments during our trip.
My goal was to breastfeed each little baby for the first six months. I wasn’t sure if I’d do it exclusively or be able to but I knew I wanted to try.
Baby No. 1
I never second-guessed my decision to breastfeed, until the first time I was breastfeeding. Lucas latched strongly and immediately and nursed for 30 minutes. Everything hurt. By day 4, I was home but engorged. I had read the books but I was exhausted and overwhelmed and I couldn’t remember exactly what to do.
Lucas started off a decent sleeper so against the advice of some, I didn’t wake him. I chose to pump and save the milk. For us, that worked beautifully during the first two weeks. Tom could feed him during the night. I’d wake up before the baby, pump, and then nurse him when he got up. Otherwise I was nursing and pumping what felt like around the clock. And honestly it was around the clock. It was every 3 hours and occasionally every 2 those first weeks. I didn’t know how physically demanding it would be to breastfeed.
I continued to pump throughout maternity leave and stored milk for daycare. I could keep up with my supply fairly easily by pumping twice daily when I went back to work. Then I started pursuing doula work full-time. Although Lucas was home with me, he was used to getting the same milk from a bottle, taking and leaving it as he pleased. He wasn’t on the same schedule as my boobs, which seemed to be making less milk anyway! Lucas was sensitive to every formula we gave him for the first two months. A lot of trial and error. A lot of stress and wondering if I should try start pumping to up my supply. We gave him all the milk I stored and finally figured out which brand he’d drink. We started this process around 6 months and two months later he had his last evening nursing session.
Baby No. 2
Isaiah has been nursing what feels like forever but in reality has been just over 9 months. However, because of doula work and COVID, there has been very little need to pump. This breastfeeding journey started with being told I should give him donor or formula milk because he was born around 37 weeks and wouldn’t nurse as often as they wanted to see. It was really stressful being told that maybe your milk hasn’t come in - when you KNOW it has. I was overly stressed out having to run around to the doctor offices or hospital with a new baby (he had high bilirubin) for the first week of his life. He lost weight at two appointments where they asked a lot of questions about feeding and milk - more stress. By the third had gained four pounds. I’m glad I fed him the way I wanted, even with the anxiety of making sure he started to gain. The only thing “wrong” with Isaiah’s feeding was that he liked to sleep. He’d sleep for 4-5 hour stretches throughout the day, if I let him. Not going to lie, it hurt my soul to wake him up every 2 hours to feed him. I don’t like waking sleeping babies. But I knew I would continue to be pressured to give him formula if he didn’t gain weight. I knew I had more than enough breastmilk and a good latch. Once he did gain weight, it probably took another three weeks for my anxiety to go down. There are so many feelings tied to breastfeeding - adequacy, accuracy, exhaustion. We’ve been rolling on along just fine since those first six weeks.
Since this is my second rodeo, I’ve learned that around 6/7 months, my body likes to make less milk. Oddly enough, my postpartum shedding stops right around then too! I believe it’s a combination of hormones and the introduction of food. Around 8 months old, we introduced formula. Isaiah took to formula better than Lucas; we hoped the same kind would work and and he went straight for it! Currently, we’re at morning and night nursing and with my eyes set on being done by month 10… we’ll see!
What I’ve Learned
There’s stress in a simple feeding journey and there’s unimaginable stress in a hard one. These summaries of my breastfeeding journey’s don’t included everything. I hope these tell you that each journey is unique. I’ve felt all the feelings you can feel with breastfeeding. And at the end of the day, I just feel proud. I feel proud that my body made my babies and fed those babies for any amount of time. I’m proud that I knew when it was the right time to start formula feeding. And I’m looking forward to weaning and entering a new phase of this feeding journey. I’ve learned it’s OK to feel - anything I feel in the moment about breastfeeding. I hope you’ll take that with you in your own journey.